Let Me Entertain You

It seems I am plagued with embarrassing myself at every possible opportunity.  There must be a name for this disorder.  It all started out so innocently...but then it always does...

So I was riding with my friend through the Ramona Grasslands on a perfect Saturday afternoon.  It was warm and sunny but a mild Santa Ana breeze kept it from being too hot.  We stopped at our favorite restaurant – the picnic table by the pond – where we enjoyed the water view and our usual split of champagne.  Then we rode around the pond and into a grove of trees.  As our eyes adjusted to the shadows, I saw there were several cows with baby calves standing in our path.  I talked to them out loud, “Hello cows, just coming through” so they wouldn’t attack us.  Mama cows with babies have been known to be a bit aggressive when approached.  I told them we meant no harm and they nodded their approval as we rode on by.  We gaited and cantered on up the road and Julia went ahead of me while I tilted my head back, relishing the sunshine and my horse’s smooth gait.  We passed by another picnic table shaded by trees and, squinting in the bright sun, I saw two more big cows standing there.  In my happiest, loudest voice I yelled out, “HI COWS!”  Just as the words were leaving my lips, I saw that they weren’t cows, they were horses and their riders, two women, were sitting at the picnic table.  They turned around and gave me a strange look, like, “What the---??”

Totally mortified and humiliated, I blurted out, “Oh I mean horses!  I need glasses! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” My laugh sounded a a little too loud and shrill, even to me, and then I urged my horse to run as fast as possible up the hill to get away from their menacing glares.  Cursing myself as I ran for being so stupid, It occurred to me that the women might have thought I was calling THEM cows!   They probably thought I was some horrible, rude person.   I caught up to Julia and said, “I can’t believe what I just did!”  I told her how I had unwittingly insulted two perfectly nice women and she started laughing really hard and then I  started thinking it was kind of funny too, so I started laughing, and then we were both doubled over on our horses with tears streaming down our faces.

So I guess that’s why these things happen to me – so I can amuse you.  It’s all for you, my dear friends.  I make all these blunders purely for your entertainment.  You’re welcome.